Sunday, 25 September 2011

Why my school could not face the celebrity life

"Oh my god, my hair looks awful!"
"Has anyone got a mirror, I need to check my make-up!"

These were only a few of the cries of the girls in my year on photo day.  For the boys, it was like any ordinary photo, but for the girls- the day of Satan.  It's not like these were normal photo's, that you could delete off your camera if you didn't them.  These photos would haunt us for the rest of our lives, following us around like an unwanted pet that you were unable to get rid of, until eventually they would rear their ugly head and everyone would see that it belongs to you.

As soon as I walked into my school, I was overwhelmed with the amount of mirrors and hair flicking that I could see.  I knew that I didn't look perfect, but I thought I looked at least ok when I left the house.  To my dismay, even the prettiest girls in my year were fretting about their make-up and generally panicking.  Surely if the prettiest girls were worrying about how they looked, then the average ones like me should be running for the hills?

Prior to the photo's, the whole of my form time was spent panicking about my ever so slightly gappy fringe and the microscopic spot on my face that make the photographer hate me and therefore ruin the picture.

Nevertheless, we all had our photo's taken and were all relieved when they were finished.  That is, when we thought we were finished.  After we had our photo taken, we then had to walk round to the back of the line.  Standing there as confused as a blind man at a map reading competition, I had absolutely no idea what was going on.  Suddenly, the relaxed look on my peers faces turned to horror as they realised what was going on.  My friend sensed my confusion, turned to me and said
"We're having a class photo."  Panic resumed and I had to go through the painful cycle all over again.

This ridiculous, unnecessary day has lead me to believe that my school could not face the celebrity life.  In the future when we are adults... possibly.  But now? No way.

Like it or not, celebrities go from day to day being photographed.  Be it at a red carpet film premiere, or getting some bread in Asda, there is no escaping the paparazzi.  In Year 11, we were given just under a months notice for three photographs, I even went to the hairdressers the night before the photo.  Celebrities can't do this though.  They can't stop a photographer getting a snap of them taking a walk, first thing in the morning with bed hair and no make-up on.  Just take a second to imagine this happening to me and my year group- we would go absolutely mad!

When we received our photographs in form time, we were disgusted to find out that we had been airbrushed.  A minute mole under my lip- airbrushed.  My blonde hair- airbrushed to make me look like some sort of barbie.  Everyone was outraged.  Despite our complaints on photo day of our spots and bad hair, we were insulted that the photo company had noted down all our imperfections and had changed every single last one so that we didn't look like ourselves.  Of course, celebrities always face this form of insult when they are on magazine covers- even Kate Middleton's waist was made smaller by a magazine after the Royal Wedding! If we can't cope with being airbrushed on a school photo, how would we cope finding ourselves on a magazine, airbrushed so that our figure has been made to look tiny? The answer is, we wouldn't.

I therefore believe that me and my year group aren't ready for the celebrity life just yet.  A few school photo's are traumatic alone, let alone having our faces on 100,000 magazine copies across the country! Celebrity life? I'll stick to being an awkward teenager for now, thanks.

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Meh. Yes, you heard me, meh.

Isn't it odd that words we commonly use aren't in the English dictionary? Ginormous isn't in there.  Neither is chav.  What if I wanted to say 'What a ginormous group of chavs over there!'? Technically that doesn't count as a proper sentence, which ultimately means that a lot of the things I have been saying aren't correct.  But I ask you, oh brilliant English dictionary, what about meh?

Don't look so confused readers, I am sure you have all said meh from time to time.  In fact, I can guarantee you that the word meh graces my, and many other teenagers, vocabulary at least ones a day.  Unconvinced? I am going to prove to you why I think the word meh should be in the English dictionary.

Short, sweet, snappy- it's meh.  Just saying meh as a response can say as much as 5-10 words.  For example, you're friend says to you "What did you think of the X Factor yesterday?"
You negatively say "Meh," showing that you didn't think it was very good and therefore don't want to go into further conversation about it.  If you hadn't have said meh and instead replied something along the lines of "It wasn't particularly good last night," you would have said five more words that you actually needed to.

Being the ambiguous word that it is, meh can be used for a variety of different scenarios.  "How are you?" you're friend asks just that bit too cheerily whilst you sit there glaring.
"Meh," is your response and your friend instantly gets the message that you're in a bad mood and want them to shut up, without you actually having to offend them by saying it.

Don't worry, meh doesn't have to be all about hidden meanings and messages.  Your meh could be used when you simply can't be bothered to give a response.  Someone could be banging on about something wonderfully negative or horribly positive, and the word meh can fit the bill perfectly.  Again, here are a few examples.

Your friend: I am sick and tired of the boiler man.  We do the right thing and pay him, but all he does is destroy our boiler even more that the last time! Completely useless if you ask me!
You (bearing in mind you stopped listening at the word sick): Meh.

Your friend: It's such a lovely day today; the sun is shining, the birds are singing, life's just great!
You (forcing a smile and speaking more high pitched than intended): Mmmm meh!

So English dictionary, what do you think of my brilliant proposition? A word that can be used for every sort of situation imaginable! Oh you don't care, you think it's appalling, abysmal and utterly dreadful? You do realise you could of saved a significant amount of time and effort with that sentence... if you had just said MEH.

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Obesity is rising, my fat cat should be careful.

There is no hiding that obesity levels are rising.  As the years go by, people are getting bigger and bigger to the extent that the basic necessity of walking is a chore.  Walking! Taking a light stroll to get the paper shouldn't cause pain, it should be what it says... a light stroll. 

Uh oh, there she comes.  Returning from her Roman feast of a dinner, her stomach wobbles like jelly as she plods along to where she wants to get to.  It is somewhat surprising how slow she walks, surely someone of her nature would walk a bit faster to work off that meal.  Here she comes, obvious as the thud of her against the door can be noticed subconsciously.  Here she is, my fat cat.

Cookie, a name with a slight twist of irony for a cat that loves her food.  And trust me, she loves her food.  If I asked you 'can cats bully each other?' I'm assuming that you would say no.  Don't be fooled.  As my mom puts out the food bowls for my cats, Cookie will eat on the right and Muffin on the left, a routine that they have put in place since birth.  However, Cookie can't be content with her own food, oh no.  After a couple of mouthfuls of her food, she will slyly bash into Muffin, leaving her watching on the sidelines as Cookie eats her food.  When Muffin protests- as anyone would do if their sibling stole their food- Cookie will 'take to the ring' and give her a good whack across the face, causing a silly mini-fight that results in Cookie winning and having Muffins food on top of her own. I think the 'finders keepers' rule is put into play here.

Before you start thinking 'That girl is mad, talking about her fat cat,' I must inform you of the facts.  When I took her to the vet, he said that she was very heavy and... obese, not morbidly obese yet...  but nearly diabetic.  So as any family with a cat in danger of obesity would, we put her on a diet.  Less food, more exercise- sorted.  Little did we know of course, how devious this cat really is.  We don't know how the mechanics of her little brain work to make her what I believe to be an evil genius.  This is because when returned from our holiday and picked her up from the cattery, we discovered that every time she was fed, she tried to make a bid for freedom and escape (luckily failing in doing so).  On a separate occasion proving that Cookie is a little mastermind, my neighbour one day said that Cookie just walked into his house, and fell asleep on his bed.  Not only is she defeating the object of her diet, she is breaking and entering! A few years ago, she even had the nerve to leave the present of  frog that she had skinned on their doorstep.  But that wasn't the only home she had invaded either...

If you take a mere twenty seconds to go on google, type in 'fat cats' and you will see creatures known as cats that I think are small bears.  Nevertheless, I don't want Cookie to look like that for a variety of reasons.  One- it will ruin the 'street cred' that she has earned from the other cats.  Two, I want my fat cat to live for a while and I don't want this to take her.  Finally three, frankly she's fat enough as she is and I'm not having a cat resembling a small bear.

This is why I have created a solution.  Admittedly it will never happen, but it could work...
My idea is 'I'm a Fat Cat- Get me Out of Here!' There are ten fat cats that need to lose weight, put them on a reality show in a confined area for three weeks with less food and opportunities to exercise.  Viewers have to choose their favourite cat and vote for who they believe to be... The King of the Fat Cats.  As well as losing weight, they will: get fit, form relationships with other cats, learn not to take out their aggression on other cats and realise what they need to achieve.  ITV producers- take that.

Friday, 9 September 2011

Farting jokes will never cease to amuse me

Again purely for comedic purposes, not to be taken seriously

Here I am; a mature and collected teenager- practically an adult. Back from holiday in Mallorca with my family, every night we watched the cabaret; one night being a comedy impressions show called ‘Zerox.’ Unlike most of the hotel ‘entertainment’ you encounter on holiday, this did its job because everyone went back to their hotel rooms that night with the content feeling that they had actually been entertained.
Zerox impersonated a variety of famous faces such as Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga, Jedward- the list is endless. After a hilarious performance of Lady Gaga not knowing what she should be singing about, next in line was the famous scene from Titanic where Jack is holding Rose and they both have their arms out and- yeah you get the point. As he tenderly placed his arms around her waist and she lifted her arms out like she was spreading her wings, the audience- PARP! Myself and the rest of the audience were in heaps of laughter, as we realised he is encouraging her to fart.
‘Come on Rose, you can do it!’ Encourages Jack eagerly, his eyes glistening like- PARP! Once again, the audience is roaring with laughter as they continue farting away.But why, I ask myself, do we all find farting jokes so hilarious? What is it about our fine flatulence that commences the ripple of laughter? One of my school teachers was unfortunate enough to loudly move her mug in class and everyone was certain that she had 'let one rip.' She soon realised why we were all laughing and whilst laughing herself, said "Honestly, it was only a trumpy noise and you're all laughing!" We continued laughing for quite a while in fact.
Even at college though, there is no denying that I'll be laughing at farting jokes. And university... and the working environment. Let's face it- they're funny! Yes they can be gross, but it's difficult to conceal the laughter once it has begun. So don't feel embarrassed... even the Queen will have a royal hoot at a farting joke!